The MisAdventures of Sam Hunt
by The Quattro
Summary: ASHES TO ASHES: After 'My Big Fat Buggered Up Wedding'. May extend with further mishaps should isperation strike and demand is high. NOT IN CHRONOLOGICAL ORDER. Even thought it says complete, I may add some should i think up any.
1. Cupboards

Thankyou Auntie Maureen for the first two lines. She and mum were having a talk about things that happened to the when they were young, Mum said they sould write a book and Maureen said these two lines is how she would start it.

Isperation strikes at the oddest of times. Enjoy!

* * *

I awoke in a linen cupboard just in time to save an alarm call to the police.

I was four years old.

* * *

'Ray, gimmie!' Chris shouted at his best mate, as Ray grinned holding the remote as far away as possible.

'Reach for it Shorty!'

'Not fair! You're bigger than me.' If Gene and Alex could have seen what kind of 'adults' they had left their son with, there was absolutely no way they would have gone on that case.

Chris finally gave up and sat back on the couch in a huff. 'What time is it?' He asked, trying to change the subject.

'Ehmm...' Ray looked at his watch. '...9.'

'I'll go make sure Sam's in his bed.' Chris got up and headed to the room at the back. He had to admit, the Guvs place was cool. A two bedroom flat not far from Luigis. The room right at the back was Sam's. A small room, but cosy and bright.

'Alright Sam, time for...' Chris stopped as he noticed the four year old wasn't on his bed. Neither was he in it, nor under it. He looked in the cupboard, and in Gene and Alex's room. He was still nowhere to be found.

'RAY!!'

'What?' Ray sauntered through, annoyed that putting a child to bed was such a difficult task that he had to be asked for help, which made him miss his program. Those thoughts were cut short, as he seen the look on Chris' face. 'What?' He asked much more seriously.

'He's gone.'

'_**WHAT?'**_

'I said he's...'

'Yeah, I heard you! Where did he go?'

'I don't know. We were readin' a story, and he wanted to read it himself for a while, so I left him to it. He was on his bed last I seen him.'

'What are we gonna do?'

'Don't worry. He'll be in the last place we look!' Chris was thinking hard. Ray gave him an odd look.

'OF COURSE HE'S GONNA BE IN THE LAST PLACE WE LOOK! WE'RE NOT GONNA KEEP LOOKIN FOR HIM ONCE WE FOUND HIM, ARE WE, YA TWONK?!'

Chris' bottom lip, quivered. Ray sighed. 'Hey come on. Stop bein' a big Jesse. I didn't mean it like that. Look, we gotta find this kid, coz if we don't Gene is gonna kill us. And it doesn't even bear thinkin' about what Alex would do.'

Chris took a deep, shuddering breath. And let out a long, loud yell, follow by a few seconds of crying. He was clueless. And he felt awful. He had lost his boss' kid. Not only that, his god kid. The ability to yell was about the only thing left working. After a few minutes slouched on the floor, he looked up to Ray. 'Maybe we should just phone Al...'

'NO! NO! We are _not_ doing that! We find the kid and pretend it never happened.'

'But they find out! Alex knows things!' Chris panicked, and Ray slapped him. Chris rubbed his face and looked like he was going to cry again.

'OWW!'

'PULL YER SELF TOGETHER MAN!'

'If we just phone...'

Ray slammed him against the wall, hand covering whatever else he was about to say.

'We. Do not. Say anything.' He said in a low growl. Chris nodded. He was really scary when Ray got like this. Ray nodded curtly and put him down. A small voice from the door way made them both turn sharply.

'Uncle Chris?'

Sam Hunt was standing in the doorway, in his pyjamas and rubbing his eyes. Chris let out a huge sigh of relief as he picked the boy up and held onto him as tight as he could.

'I'm hungry' Sam said in a quiet voice. Chris grinned, taking him through to the living room and sitting him on the couch. 'YOU CAN HAVE ANYTHING!'

'Anything?'

'YES!!'

'Ehmm Chris?' Ray tapped Chris on the shoulder.

'Not Now. Anything you desire Sammy Boy!'

'Can I have a biscuit?'

'WHY STOP AT ONE? HAVE 2! HAVE 3! HELL, HAVE THE PACKET!'

'YAY!' Sam threw his arms in the air in delight, as Chris put him down on the couch and went to fetch the biscuits. Ray shook his head. It was too late. He had one question for Sam before he was too far gone into the depths of hyperness to answer. 'Where were you Sam?'

'In the walking cupboard. Daddy has a couch in there and I fell asleep.'

'Don't you mean the 'Walk-in' Cupboard?'

'Yeah! That's what mummy said!' Ray smiled. It was so weird to hear Gene and Alex being referred to as 'Mummy and Daddy'. He got up and walked out the room, ruffling Sam's hair as he passed. 'I'm off to Luigis for a pint. Good luck with the kid!' He turned to Chris as he left. Chris wasn't too bothered. He was going to live! Gene and Alex weren't ever going to find out! He grabbed the 2 biggest packs of biscuits he could find and handed one to Sam. 'Dig in!' he smiled excitedly.

* * *

'Sam?' Alex walked through the front door of hers and Genes flat and was greeted by silence. It was strange. There wasn't even a TV on. 'Chris? Ray?' Wandering into the living room, she smiled slightly at what she found. Chris was lying upside down on the couch with Sam across his shins. Both were sleeping peacefully. It was so sweet. She picked up her son and carried him through to his bed. She then sorted Chris so that the blood would stop rushing to his head and made herself a cup of tea. Gene was at Luigis for a pint so he would be home soon. It was pretty obvious that they had had some sort of incident, judging by the empty boxes of biscuits and cans of coke. Maybe Sam had fallen asleep in the cupboard again? Nah, she was sure Gene told them about his tendency to do that.

Didn't he?


	2. Jaffa Cakes

_Inspired by something I used to do when I was a baby. Shorter than the last one, sorry. Any weird quirks you had? or anyone you know? Please let me know, I don't have many._

* * *

Alex leaned on the trolley, head resting on her arm. Sam stared right back at her, grinning his wee toothless grin. Alex laughed. 'What are you so happy about, eh?'

Gene came up behind her, a large pack of Jaffa cakes in his hands. ''S the only ones I could get.'

Alex took them out and handed one to Sam. It was the only way to keep him quiet when they were going round the shops. He was just like his dad, a very short attention span when it came to food shopping. It wasn't stealing; they were paying for the lot anyway. Sam took the Jaffa Cake happily and shoved as much of it into his mouth as would fit, which wasn't a lot.

Gene winced. He had just stepped in something. It was squidgy _(Squidgy? Where had that come from? All these stupid words he had started using when Sam was born...),_ sticky and was pretty sure it wouldn't come off his shoe without a fight. Naturally, he assumed it was gum. What else would be like that? Grimacing, he leaded on Alex as he lifted his shoe up. To his surprise, it wasn't gum. It was round and orange... 'Sam.' He said to Alex and they both turned to the one-year-old. He was sitting watching his parents, face all chocolaty, base of a Jaffa Cake in hand. But no jelly thing. Gene sighed. ''E must 'ave pulled it off and dropped it.'

'That'll teach you to buy Jaffa Cakes.' Alex grinned at her husband and continued down the aisle. Gene stared after her. _Oh she is so going to pay for that_ he grinned to himself, imagining all sorts of punishments he could use. He ran after them, one shoe always sticking to the floor. Alex was right. That was the last time he gave Sam a Jaffa Cake.


	3. Pins and Needles

_My last chapter before my birthday. This one is dedacated to Hannah and Annie, who told me stories about a girl (who shall remain nameless) who used to do this._

* * *

"No."

"Sam, you have to."

"NO!" Sam sat exactly where he was. He was too scared to move. Gene knelt in front of the 5 year old.

"Sammy, come on. You have to trust Dad, eh?" Gene flashed him a grin. "Trust the Gene Genie."

Sam tried hard not to giggle, and forced it back in his throat. "Scared daddy. I don't wanna move."

Gene reached out to hug the boy, slowly lifting him off the chair. "Hey, see. Wasn't that bad, was it?" He carried him out off the office and carefully set him down on the ground. Sam yelled, and began to cry. Gene jumped at the sudden outburst, along with Ray and Chris, who had been watching intently. Gene panicked.

"ALEX!!"

Alex came walking through, and smiled slightly when she saw Sam standing there bawling his eyes out, with Gene just looking utterly lost. She walked over and picked him up. "What's wrong baby?"

Sam whimpered. "'ins 'n' 'eedls."

"Sorry?" Alex moved his face up so he was looking at her. "Say it again." She urged softly.

"I'm scared."

"Of what?"

"Pins and needles."

"Why?" Alex giggled lightly.

"Uncle Ray said if you get pins and needles, you legs falls off."

They all turned to see Ray edging towards the door. "Carling." Gene growled.

Ray turned sheepishly. "Yes sir?"

"My office. Now."


	4. Dreams of Buses

_Blame my cousin Ronny, for the love of god do NOT blame me for this rubbish. That being said..._

* * *

"_I wish I was a bus..."_

This was the statement uttered by 2 ½ year old Sam Hunt. No-one quite knew why he said it, he just did. Gene and Alex were confused, but very accepting of the fact that their son wanted to grow up to be a large metal vehicle. Well, I say accepting...

"NO!"

"GENE!"

"MY SON WILL NOT GROW UP TO BE A BLOODY GREAT BUS!"

"HE'S NOT! IT'S A PHASE, YOU TWONK!"

"...I STILL DON'T LIKE IT!"

"WHY ARE WE STILL SHOUTING?"

"I'VE NO SODDING CLUE BOLLY." Gene said, finally bringing his arms down from the air, and letting his face slowly return to a normal colour, breathing heavily.

Alex, too, relaxed. She looked from her frustrated husband, then through the window to the innocent child sitting on the DS' desk playing with a toy car. She couldn't help it. She had to laugh. Gene stared at her, and she laughed harder. "What?"

"You actually thought he could be a bus."


	5. The Woman in the Leather Jacket

"What the hell happened?" Alex looked from Chris, to Ray, to the very guilty looking child standing between them. Chris was the first to speak.

"Well...see, we went to take 'im out the office, like the Guv said. I were puttin' 'im in 'is car seat. Suddenly, he stops struggling, leans over my head, and screams at the woman across the street."

Alex folded her arms across her chest. "What did he say, exactly?"

Ray piped up this time. "She was wearin' a leather coat see..."

"Just tell me what he said." Alex growled.

"He screamed 'COW KILLER!!' at her."


End file.
